flawlessanomaly

oncology (noun)

1. The study of cancer:  a branch of medicine that deals with the study and treatment of malignant tumor.

The day I found out my baby (18 months old) had a tumor; I practically ran right out of the hospital.  She was sleeping of course and it was late but I couldn’t stand in one place.  Part of me wanted to throw a temper tantrum; Part of me wanted to collapse.  I felt as if a balloon was filling up inside my lungs, making a deep breath completely impossible.  The elephant sitting on my chest was there to stay, and the pressure would take 5 + months to release.

In the months prior to the discovery of the massive tumor, I was plenty aware that Morgans medical needs were becoming more and more significant; she needed a Nissan placed a few months before because she wasn’t able to keep ANY feeds down what-so-ever, her oxygen needs increased along with her nebulizer requirements, she fell asleep 10 minutes into a Physical Therapy session, and she slept…. frequently! It took months of regression(however slow), I still couldn’t see this coming.  I’d put my life on the line to be ahead of the doctors( in this case more than others),  what I never understood about this sudden diagnosis was …. How long was it there before it was found?  How does a softball in the liver of an 18 month old child go unnoticed? How does an enlarged liver get mistaken for pulmonary hypertension?  Why did the doctors discharge her just weeks before when I pleaded with them she wasn’t the same, something was wrong?  Why did they make us leave the hospital when she wasn’t at her baseline? Most importantly: If my unique life with Morgan was a test on my character …. than where did I go wrong?  I know the God that I believe in certainly couldn’t want us to suffer, more than we already did….  Why cancer?

Stage III Hepatoblastoma took control of my life.  I basically moved out of my townhouse (still paying the rent) into a small room for NICU patient families. The life and anything I had known of myself up until diagnosis had vanished.  I had no self, every inch of me was gone, and  I had lost everything I’d ever known about myself… all accept the smallest ounce of hope.  In those moments I lived for Morgan.  I was only a puddle when no one was looking, I couldn’t let people see me fall.  My nights were consumed with research, looking for some solution. I slept only when I couldn’t get my body to move.  I wanted to know every angle as if this puzzle was going to be solved eventually, I put on my gloves and got to work. 

Looking back on these first few weeks, the only thing that comes to mind is Love.  We’ll fight any day to protect the souls that hold our hearts.  We’d do anything to see our children survive, even if we lose ourselves in the meantime.  We turn into exactly what we need to be to get through our most challenging obstacles.  When you have unconditional love, there is nothing that can stand in your way…. all concrete walls drop and the heavens…. they shine on you so heavily that you do things that you never dreamed.  The superpowers you’ve been given for the meantime were always there, you just never had to use them.  & You discover some of the best (and worst) things about yourself in the silent hours.  All of which are the tools that I had to use to get through hour after hour.  The days of solitude were repressed by many evident miracles that were happening along the way. 

This was our new journey and I was hell-bent on making it to the finish line.